Helping newborns, infants and toddlers adjust
Children’s understanding of illness and the implications of bad news varies depending on their age and family experiences. The information below gives an overview of the needs of newborns, infants and toddlers, which can be helpful when working out what to say to them and how you might respond to lessen the impact of the news on them. Professional help may benefit a child who does not seem to be coping.
Understanding of disease
- Little awareness of illness
- Aware of feelings that parents show, including anxiety.
- Aware of periods of separation from parents.
- Can get upset when the physical presence of a loving parent is missing.
- Toddlers may react to physical changes in their parent or relative or the presence of side effects (e.g. vomiting).
Possible reactions
- Little awareness of illness
- Aware of feelings that parents show, including anxiety.
- Aware of periods of separation from parents.
- Can get upset when the physical presence of a loving parent is missing.
- Toddlers may react to physical changes in their parent or relative or the presence of side effects (e.g. vomiting).
Newborns and infants: unsettled, especially if weaned suddenly. - Newborns and infants: may want to breastfeed more frequently for emotional comfort.
- Fussy and cranky.
- Clingy.
- Change in sleeping or eating habits.
- Colic.
- Toddlers: tantrums, more negativity (saying ‘no’).
- Return to, or more frequent, thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, baby talk, etc.
Suggested approaches
- Maintain routines. Ask any caregivers to follow your baby’s or toddler’s established schedules as much as possible. Tell them their teachers (and other trusted adults) are aware of their parent’s wishes.
- Give plenty of physical contact (e.g. hugging, holding, extra breastfeeds) to help them feel secure.
- Ask family members and friends to help with household tasks and care.
- Observe play for clues to their adjustment.
- Use relaxation tapes, music or baby massage.
- Express your feelings and fears with others.
What words should I use?
It’s often hard to find the right words to start or continue a conversation. These ideas may help you work out what you want to say. Although grouped by age, you may find that suggestions in a younger or older age bracket are more suitable. See here for tips on how to answer specific questions.
Obviously babies don’t need explanations, but the older toddlers get, the more they understand basic ideas about themselves and their family.
About cancer
“Mummy is sick and needs to go to hospital to get better.”
To explain changes and reassure them
“Mummy has to stay in bed a lot and isn’t able to play, but she still loves you.”
“Daddy and Mummy need to go away for a couple of nights, so Grandma is going to come and stay at home with you.”
Preschool children can understand very basic explanations about many things, including illness, family routines and cause and effects.
About cancer
“I have an illness called cancer. The doctor is giving me medicine to help me get better. The medicine might make me feel sick or tired some days, but I might feel fine on other days.”
To address misunderstandings
“Sometimes girls and boys worry that they thought or did something to cause cancer. No-one can make people get cancer, and we can’t wish it away either.”
“How do you think Daddy got cancer?”
To explain changes and reassure them
“Mummy needs to go to the hospital every day for a few weeks, so Daddy will be taking you to preschool/school instead. He’s looking forward to doing that.”
“Pop is sick so we won’t see him for a while, but he loves you very much.”
“I love your pictures, so maybe you can draw me some to take to hospital.”
What newborns, infants and toddlers understand about death
In preparing children for the loss of a parent or other loved one, it can help if you understand how death is perceived at different ages.
Understanding of death
- Babies don’t have any knowledge of death.
- Can sense when routine is unsettled.
- Confuse death with sleep and don’t understand its permanence.
Possible reactions
- May worry persistently about the well parent.
- They may think that they or their behaviour caused the cancer to become advanced.
- Angry with the parent for not being able to give them more attention.
Suggested approach
- Avoid explaining death to young children as sleeping because it can cause distress about sleep. Children may have frightening dreams and ask lots of questions about death.
Support services, resources and information
Website for children, age three to 12 years
Bearing Up Club
www.bereavementcare.com.au
An internet club for kids dealing with bereavement. Once a child is registered, they can join an online chat room. The developers of this site, Mal and Valerie McKissock, are well-known bereavement therapists who have written grief books for children and adults dealing with grief.
Picture books
- My Mum’s Got Cancer by Dr Lucy Blunt, Jane Curry Publishing, 2013
- Safina and the Hat Tree by Cynthia Hartman, Nomota Pty Ltd, 2004
- Sammy’s Mommy Has Cancer by Sherry Kohlenberg, Magination Press, 1993
- My Mum Has Breast Cancer: a family’s cancer journey by Lisa Sewards, Harrison Sewards, Self-published, 2007
- My Name Is Buddy: a story for children about brain tumours
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For Information and Support
Call Cancer Council 13 11 20 for information and support